Say good-bye to the N-Word

by John Christian Hopkins

The N-Word was laid to rest recently during the NAACP’s 98th annual convention, following a long and controversial career. Here is the N-Word’s official obituary:

N-Word, 167 years old, of no permanent address, passed away quietly in its sleep during July following a long illness by society. Though actual birth records can not be found, it is believed that N-Word was the son of Niggra and Mulatto.

N-Word is survived by six brothers; Slant Eye, Negrillo, Gook, Spic, Paleface and Redskin; five sisters; Jungle Bunny, Kike, Jiggaboo, Jap and Honky; and numerous cousins.


N-Word worked its way through The School of Hard Knocks, paying its own tuition by performing various jobs including cotton picker, whipping boy, unwitting medical test subject, shoeshine boy and death row inmate.

Because money was so hard to come by in its early years, N-Word was rumored to have lived in a woodpile. It eventually lent its name to several dictionary definitions; including niggardly (to be cheap, stingy), niggling (to be petty or trivial) and Niggerhead (a strong, black chewing tobacco, often in twisted plug form).

N-Word was a popular addition in some quarters of society.

“Y’all gonna miss ol‚ N-Word,” said Bubba Jim Crow, former mayor of Lynchpin, Alabama. “He was a good ol boy whut knowed his place. He warn’t uppity like some of ‘em is today.’”

When he was informed of N-Word’s passing, its Uncle Tom Cabbin was inconsolable.

“Shucks, massa! Negro pleas!” Uncle Tom said with a slight shuffle and bow. “Tells yore Uncle Tom it ain’t so!”

N-Word was emancipated by Abraham Lincoln in 1863, where it spent the next 100 years riding in the back of the bus and waiting for a table at Denny’s.

After a fall from grace, N-Word saw a resurgence in its popularity in the 1990s thanks to the rise of rap music. N-Word often appeared on stage and in musical lyrics alongside its cousins, Ho and Byotch.

Not only can N-Word be heard on the stereo, but it can be found in the stereotype, too.

Often a snappy dresser, N-Word was no slave to fashion; often pictured in chains and shackles. N-Word was not afraid to start its own trends, ushering in the age of zoot suits in the 1940s and today’s culture of Bling Bling.

Despite its many successes over the years, N-Word did suffer some painful setbacks. Perhaps the most shocking was when N-Word failed to make George Carlin’s list of the Seven Words You Can’t Say on Television.

From its modest beginning as a disparaging, racial slur, N-Word reached unprecedented heights in insensitivity and stupidity; factoring in the dismissals of radio shock jocks and business executives.

Millions of acquaintances mourned the passing of N-Word.

He won’t be missed.

John Christian Hopkins can be reached at mailto: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.