Please, please, please, pick me

By John Christian Hopkins

“Kingfish” Huey Long used to say the only difference between the political parties was that one skinned you from the neck down, and the other from the ankles up.

I think a lot of people feel that way, so they pay no attention to politics and elections. However, since this is an important election year, I will provide a public service by explaining some political terms and statements that you may need to know:

* Campaign promises: These are as trustworthy as a ladder made of Jell-O. But candidates will attempt to climb to the top with these meaningless proclamations.

* Bi-partisan: While liberals believe that people can be born bi-partisan, conservatives insist that it is a choice. Many religious groups want to ban marriage between bi-partisans.

* GOP: This stands for “Get out, Pedro!” While overlooking how big corporations, like the oil giants, are gouging American consumers, many politicians are convinced that if illegal immigrants – apparently only of Latin descent – were chased out of the country, it would stimulate the U.S. economy by opening up more fruit-picking jobs and Wal-Mart associate positions.

* “I want change!”: If a bum on the street says this, you can believe it; when liberals say it, they really mean “Give me your dollars and I might leave you some change.”

* “Trust me.”: This is what the spider told the fly.

* “Free market economy”: This means “My big business friends say everything is fine the way it is.”

* Political poll: This is the poll that politicians dance around while on the national stage, but fortunately they keep their clothes on. Most of the time.

* Government waste: This term is used when politicians talk about themselves.

* Balanced budget: This is a mythical figure, much like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

* “I will not consider being vice president”: The translation is, “Please, please, please, pick me!”

* “Hillary”: Republicans use this name often, seemingly suggesting that if she wins, the White House address would have to be changed to 666 Pennsylvania Avenue.

* Electoral College: An institution where people from the School of Hard Knocks vote for a new class clown every four years.

* PAC: This is a code that lobbyists use when meeting with politicians – PAC is an acronym for “please accept cash.”

John Christian Hopkins can be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.